You Still Have All Of Me
by racefh853629
Summary: One shot, angst. "But that tainted view of life and people’s disbelief lead him to where he was now- alone, afraid to trust, and scared of life."


A/N: I don't own CSI:NY, CBS, or any other known entity. In about the last paragraph, you learn who the main character is, but I think there are enough clues to guess along the way... haha. I hope you guys enjoy the story, and please review. :)

* * *

You Still Have All Of Me

He sat alone in the apartment, feet on the coffee table, lights on dimly. He thought about lighting candles and shutting off the lights, but that would make things worse. Because then he'd think about how alone he was, and how everyone else had some pseudo-functional relationship, and he was alone.

Still.

Part of him wanted to pretend that didn't bother him. The solitude, not worrying about someone eating all your food or taking up a lot of space, keeping things the way he wanted them… they were things he'd all grown accustomed to over the years.

Conversely, he was sick of being alone.

He had bad luck with relationships. He had friends take advantage of him, girlfriends dump him. He was engaged once… only to have her die in a car accident the night before their wedding.

Even his family wasn't something he could ever rely on. His father lived to taunt him and push him around. His mother, as much as he loved her, was no help with that situation. His siblings were all younger than him, looked up to him for protection, but were now off doing their own thing and living their own lives. And as much as he was proud of them for finding their way, he envied them for being functional.

It wasn't that he was completely dysfunctional. He had a steady, good paying job. He had great coworkers who supported him. They were more of a family than his biological one had ever been.

But, so much was still missing.

Like love. Love was missing from his life. He didn't have a girlfriend, that deep familial bond, or best friends whom he loved to death. He knew that was mostly due to his strange quirks and his inane ability to keep everyone at arm's length. But, truth be told, he didn't want to get hurt. Of course, not having love was hurting him just as badly, so that was a vicious cycle with no end.

He didn't trust people easily. It took him a while to work into the relationships he had at work, and even then, they weren't the best. He wasn't one of the guys, one of the girls, or really one of Mac's chosen ones. He was just there, day in, day out. He wasn't sure that they'd even notice if he were to drop off the radar.

But he wanted to believe they would.

He sighed, closing his eyes and sinking deeper into the couch. Things would be different if his childhood hadn't been so screwed up. Oldest of three, middle class neighborhood, enough money to be happy. Everyone always believed that someone from that environment couldn't possibly be as screwed up as he found himself.

No one ever believed him when he told him or her what his father did to him. Not one person as he was growing up. Because his father was a good guy, a hometown hero, a decent man who worked hard for his family. But his oldest son saw a different side of him.

He sighed, shaking his head. He didn't want to think about the things he'd endured as a child. To this day, the memory was still too painful. Even the mere thought of it sent him curling into a little ball on his couch.

But that tainted view of life and people's disbelief lead him to where he was now- alone, afraid to trust, and scared of life. He wanted so badly to break out of this, but he didn't know what else to do. He wasn't sure how.

He sat up quickly, realization setting in on what he needed to do. It was Friday afternoon, and he wasn't working all weekend. A solo road trip sounded like just the cure he needed at this moment. He packed the few things he would need- a couple changes of clothing, his wallet, his laptop, his cell phone, and his phone charger. He grabbed his keys, walking out of his apartment. He quickly climbed in his car, turning it on and heading out of the city.

He headed north on 95, not sure where exactly he was going on this road trip, but knowing that he was just going. Maybe he'd go to Boston. He always wanted to go there. It was a nice place.

Or hell, maybe even Newport. It'd be great to see the mansions again. He'd seen a couple in his random ventures up the coast, but there were so many more to see and so much to take in. Plus, Newport was good for nightlife.

Well, so was Boston.

He crossed the Connecticut border, trying to decide. Either way, he was taking the scenic route to his destination. Where he was going didn't matter. Maybe he'd head out to the Cape. Maybe New Hampshire. Or Maine.

He pulled off on one exit, getting dinner and taking a restroom break. He was already halfway into Connecticut, and even with night falling, he still felt the need to go further. He needed to get away. Away from the loneliness, away from New York, and away from his problems.

He made it over the border into Rhode Island as the sky turned black and stars illuminated it. He smiled to himself at the beauty of everything around him. The highway always was a decent place to see nature.

Another motorist roared up beside him, and he sighed. Typical Rhode Island drivers. He maintained a steady speed while the driver tried to avoid a slower car in the other lane by pulling into his lane.

He felt the cars collide before he knew what was going on. His car spun on the roadway, crashing into the barrier in the median hard. He closed his eyes as the world around him seemed to drift away.

* * *

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the dim lighting of the room. He heard movement beside him, and he tried to turn his head, but couldn't. He frowned as he heard someone stand up.

Mac leaned over, looking at him. He looked back with a soft frown. "Mac," he whispered hoarsely.

"Hey," Mac said softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore."

"Do you remember what happened?" He shook his head, and Mac nodded. "You were in a car accident. Doctors say you're going to be okay."

"That's good." Stella appeared in his peripheral vision, and he smiled.

"We're glad you're okay," she said softly. Danny and Lindsay stepped out of the shadows, joined shortly by Hawkes.

"Thanks, guys," he replied, taking in the sight.

"We came out here the second we heard," Hawkes said.

"We were so worried," Lindsay added. Danny said nothing, but he didn't have to. The look on his face said enough.

Adam looked at the group around him, smiling slightly to himself. He had misjudged what he meant to the team. They were more than just his coworkers. They were his friends and, truth be told, his family. He sighed quietly, and Mac looked at everyone. "Maybe we should get going," he said. "Adam needs to rest." The group agreed, saying their goodbyes and promising to drop by in the morning. And as they walked out the door, Adam drifted to sleep, realizing that he now had everything he needed.

The End.


End file.
